I have a sentence in my mind, that I’ve heard in my friend’s wedding, last week, said by the priest, during the ceremony. It said: “if you want to be happy, don’t marry anyone, stay alone. Get married only if you are able to make the other one happy. Because marriage and relationship is about that: living to seek the other one’s happiness”.
Does this make sense for you? To me, partially. Obviously I believe we can be happy alone. By the way I think we need to be happy alone first of all, starting a relationship with someone else. If we are not satisfied we ourselves, we can’t be satisfied with someone else. Ok, first point. Second point: I am thinking if this priest meant that if we seek the other one’s happiness it means we have to forget our own happiness or self love? That possibility bothered me a little bit.
For my experience in relationships, unfortunately, this makes sense. Because, if we stop to think, it is not always that you and your partner want the same things – which is one of the main reasons because arguments happen. There are two different people, that want different things, with different priorities. And, usually, when someone’s desires are prioritised , the other one feels unhappy. But here is the question: to maintain the harmony in the couple, at least most of times both have to want the same things. Right?
For example: if my boyfriend wants the same things as I want, except one or another small detail, we can make it work and both of us can be happy. Because no matter how much I want him to be happy, I want myself to be happy, too. I am not going to abdicate of my own happiness only to make the other one happy. I just can’t do this. But even if I keep this in mind, I still fail sometimes. So I end up by seeing myself in a huge contradiction: I don’t believe in being unhappy to make the other happy but, at the same time this is what I do, sometimes. Maybe this also happens to you.
So, what is missing here? I know the answer: we have to remember to ourselves that are two essential things we should carry inside of us, it doesn’t matter in which situation we are – singles or in a relationship – that are self esteem and self love. You don’t need to be dominated by selfishness or arrogance, but you need, sometimes to learn how to say NO. “No” to satisfy the other one and YES to your own satisfaction – once this satisfaction is not disrespectful neither unethical.
It’s a breath of fresh air to be satisfied by yourself before you want to be fed by the other one’s company. And besides it doesn’t look like, I am an incurable romantic girl in this aspect – when I am in a relationship, my biggest pleasure is to be in my partner’s company. But I have concluded that this is a mistake. My biggest pleasure needs to be myself, before anything else. So when the other one start looking for his own pleasure, by himself I wont feel rejected or put aside. It is not his fault that I’ve prioritised him, he didn’t ask me that. He probably is doing the right thing, choosing himself first e this is why I, you and everyone should do. This doesn’t mean to put aside the other one’s happiness, but, means that you are prioritising yours. Everyone does it – the ones who don’t are the small part of population.
In the end of the story, this “romantic thought” about seeing my own happiness only by my partner’s side is only useful to make me feel subordinated and deluded. What exists is “here” and “now” and desires that sometimes don’t coincide exactly because of the fact that while some people is looking for their own satisfaction, others are looking for being satisfied by the other. It is important to remember: self love and self esteem never let us down. It depends on us to cultivate them, first of all.
Xx and have a nice Friday!
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